A shadow of myself...

12/8/2016

Today I woke up around 2pm and I left my house in a hurry to go and score some stuff, I paced in haste passing by people that don't have to give a battle every morning to get out of bed and every night to lie down in order to sleep. I loathe them... I want, no, I need to be "normal" again. I need to wake up and not have to smoke a shit load of substances just to be able to walk, I need not to have to take a bunch of pills every night in order to sleep. Normal, what a missused word. What normal means? Does it simply means to be clean? I don't think so, clean and sober people have problems that keep them awake in the night and asleep in the day, but I don't care about them, fuck them really, I just need some peace of mind. This is why I started writing again, writing makes me feel some peace during this fucking war that burns my inside. Anyway, today was not something special, just as I said, I went up and scored some meth, some heroin and a couple of pills. I went to feed my sisters cat and just went to the streets again. There is a girl I have met, a user as well and a pretty hardcore one I might add. We talked on the phone for about half an hour talking about random shit, I just  wanted to feel a connection with someone, so did she. We said that she would come and meet me at the park, but she took too long and I got bored and left, I am a junkie, but not a pushover, you fuck with me, I turn your back on me and you can start again tomorrow. If you fuck me once too many times then I will blow you off for good, that's my deal, clean and simple. In the park, there was her ex that was also waiting for her. He knows about me, but he does not know who am I, so we spent some time together to get to know him and see if all that stuff she told me about him were true, they never are 100%, but she didn't lie in general. At some point I fucked off and came back home to eat something, sleep and hope that tomorrow is not going to be so bleak... These hopes never come true... Every day is the same, a sick joke of God, if there is one.

First blood...

Yeah, shits changed. I went to rehab, I am clean for for 6 years now, got a wide and a can't, but still haven't figured witch one hates me more...

So last night a made a nice long post I really liked and I can't fucking track it down... Will so eventually, cause it's day no3 I can't sleep ffs... Back when I was on meth at least I could sleep easier... Fuck that shit worse feeling alone heroi withdrawals and wet socks. I'll try and find last night post and if I can manage I will talk to you about health and why the fuck 20 years being a hard-core junkie I was like fuck yeah let's go, and 6 years now I find myself at the point I might actually have cancer in my spinal cord... I MEAN WHAT THE ACTUALL FUCK......